Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
a search helicopter?!
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Text me some of your sweat
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
