Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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