You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
