ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
