I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
