I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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