mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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