pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
