I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
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Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
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All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So much Jack, so little girl.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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