guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Success! We fucked roommates!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize