You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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