...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
