dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
