This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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