I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
