Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
