Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
