I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
