If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
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