Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
