I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
