there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
