I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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