Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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