I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
