can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
