I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i came on her dog
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
