Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think my vagina is haunted
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I need to align my fucking chakras
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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