proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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