I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
