Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
