do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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