she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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