Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
