I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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