I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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