I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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