the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
