dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
