I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
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