Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
