Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
