Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
