i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
we're so committed to being not committed
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
