i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
