Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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