I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize