Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
