I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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