I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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