I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
