I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
