This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
