I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
