I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
