Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
