If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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