So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
