I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
