see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
