his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
